some thoughts on feminism

[spz]

It's all damned-colonials fault. :P
Hers and the fault of the other people at the GeekFeminism blog, that made me revisit the 'feminism' issue again.

I don't agree with all that is written there, but I agree even less with "lalala, there are no problems". Most of the problems are not big bombs you can send a TV crew to cover, but one little personal slight after another, undermining self-esteem and trust in the decency of men.

So, is there sexism? of course there is, and it cuts men too, every time a guy wants to do something and gets mocked away from it because it's not 'manly' enough.

Is it all the mens fault? No, I don't think so, in fact I think one of the worst aspects of cultural sexism is that it gets wielded by women on women, too. I studied physics once upon a time; I never got told by my male fellow students, let alone my professors I wasn't a proper girl for doing that, but by quite a few women, both my age then and older. Just like men police men into their alotted gender role, so do women to women with the slogan "unfeminine".

I disagree on the common demand that women should be able to remain as they are (i.e. fully conforming to the current gender stereotype brainwashing) and get handed half of everything. I also disagree that rights get granted; they get claimed, together with their responsibilities tacked on, not the least of which is to defend them. You cannot sit on your butt and wait for men to bring you presents and not be a dependent. You cannot be Dad's spoiled little princess and an emancipated adult at the same time. Flipping don't pick up his socks, do something more important instead, he does; he'll remember to collect his socks himself eventually if you manage not to train him to laziness, he's likely an adult and won't die of the heavy lifting.

I think there is a sizable amount of women who had internalized the "be pretty and men will look after you, thinking is not sexy and hard work too" really well; so they were pretty and sexy and didn't bother with thinking a whole lot when they were teens and twens, and now they are forty-plus, and find that they can't make men jump through hoops any more, and all they became was a housewife, not rich, famous and glamorous, so now they are disillusioned, bitter, and complaining [1]. But the habit of not thinking is still going strong, and of course doing engineering is unthinkable for a woman to the point that women engineers on the net (even those with a feminist agenda) must be secretly men (or stupid girls writing down what their boyfriend dictates to them), especially if they speak out against treating men grossly unfair for the sin of being male, or tell them the world is not as they imagine and the laws of physics won't keel over because someone throws a tantrum, and things don't actually change just because someone gives them a different name.[2]

One thing I agree with is that there is a lack of visibility of just-ordinary-people technical women (i.e. the step between Marie Curie and Lise Meitner and Emmy Noether and the first year student without claim to first-rate genius, just 'good average'). I used to let people assume I was male online because I neither enjoyed the wannafucks (send pix! etc .. yes boy, I'm old enough to be your mother, now please settle down and let's keep to the topic of the channel, and that's not a/s/l) nor being treated as a technical idiot by a newbie with delusions of competence, only letting slip I was female when they knew I was competent (and enough of a member of whatever community to not be too stupidly importunate). I've decided to be more visible, and am quite smug to find members of 'my' pet project giving newbies that go "omgod there are GIRLS here!" a rap on the knuckles with the clue stick without any need for prompting, discussion or drama. I love being in the company of smart people. :-P

[1] Not saying here that housewives are stupid; it's not for me but if your calling is to have 8 children and bring them up well, more power to you. It's just that that may be a path to happiness, but rather rarely to glamor and riches.
[2] I guess one really needs to have read the German feminist magazine Emma at least once to understand what I'm referring to here.

Comments

[zebee]

I'm sorta torn.

I picked the "I'm not a girl" path really early on. The name helped I think, I could be "Zebee" and pick my own path. How many had that escape route?

I agree that those who consciously buy into the patriarchy's idea of what women are and do shouldn't complain when they find the downside, but then again how many did it consciously?

And many did the "give men what they want, and you get looked after" dance to find they'd been lied to. That has to hurt.

(not even that they leave... men die. A friend's mother was the princess type and when her husband died she was in her 70s and really wasn't able to comprehend what was happening. He fulfilled his half of the bargain, but he died.)

I have no idea how much of the feeling I get of being despised by the girly girls is in their heads and how much in mine.

After all, I can't really escape the cultural imperatives much as I'd like to.

Women can definitely be bitchy to each other, as men can be to each other. That's humanity.

I suppose I don't move in those circles any more.

Zebee

[spz]

I opted more for the "not a -proper- girl" .. my shape doesn't allow ambiguity about me being female much. :) Sometimes I wonder if that lack of ambiguity by physical trait made it easier for me to step away from the cultural indicators of female-ness. Gender stereotypes are a supportive corset for many, but a straight-jacket they refuse to wear to lots of people too, and I guess the straight-jacket aspect is what I dislike most. Freedom for the non-stereotypical! ;-P

Re the "finding out they had been lied to", two things:

one, I'm married. "In sickness and health" means to me that when my husband falls sick I can't go looking for another man to replace him, but that I need to be able to shoulder the entire thing for both of us, just as I expect him to deal when I'm unable to fulfill my part of the division of Things That Need Doing. It's both a question of good sense and loyalty (although I'll never cook as nice scrambled eggs as he does :). When people live together, they'll distribute the daily work and it'll always leave a gap if a member of a household dies after a long time together, no matter how traditional or non-traditional the distribution (not even starting to mention grief).

two, I wouldn't be derisive about "I drank the cool-aid and it left a bitter aftertaste I don't like at all, let's see how I get better". What peeves me is "I was totally right to flunk my equivalent-of-college and pick the traditional womans role because that's the feminine thing to do, and girls now should also do as I did, but I should get a board room income and lots of power for being such a model wife, and you are anti-feminist when you say that girls should study hard and compete with men in all fields, and not just become florists and hairdressers. That's an unreasonable demand because that's not feminine!".
My (male) boss of some years ago who did a disappearing act at 17:00 sharp no matter what was going on at work because he had to pick up his children from kindergarten did more for gender equality than they do, just by daring to be a father and not just a provider.

[zebee]

I agree that the minute someone says "you must do X because you are female (or male even...) there's a problem. (Not every time, there are going to be exceptions, but it has to be looked at carefully.)

I suspect that my very early decision (as in 4 years old? 5?) that I wasn't a girl and didn't do girl things means that most people who say such things take one look at me and don't try.

That decision has made things tricky for me at times, but on the whole it has saved me a lot of that kind of brainwashing. It never went as far as transgender (although if I'd known that was an option in my early teen years I might well have gone that way) but I did definitely reject most of the "this is what women do". Unfortunately it was from a stance of "because it is icky and inferior" and I'm still trying to disentangle myself from that misogyny.

I suppose though that it might be why I haven't met anyone who has expressed those opinions to me. It's not a stance I've come across.

I have come across "girls should do the girl thing and not compete with men" but not "I should be on the board even though my only qualification is model wife".